Lord Urizen Veteran xtremerival guild Sunday 22/02/2009, 08:31
I know this isn't about the game but I really need help.
First day we stepped into a school we are afraid,
In uniform with school-bag, looking great!
We will run to our parents cause the dismay;
We left home and arrived at the school late.
We learnt mathematics: count one to ten!
We ate very merrily when the bell rang;
We learnt to sing and mathematics again;
School years goes by firmly like a bang.
Our knowledge increase slowly every day;
Our hearts filled with joy, we go to have fun.
Our teachers taught us in a big way;
School help us prepare for our life away.
Days, weeks, months and even years, we may detest,
The years we spent in school are sure the best!
Can someone help me proofread and give me some pointer how to make better?
Lord Urizen Veteran xtremerival guild Sunday 22/02/2009, 08:40
Itamae Novice Sunday 22/02/2009, 09:17
1. Use better punctuation in some stanzas. Particularly in Stanza 1, Line 1 (for example)... grammar needs some work too.
2. Rewrite the majority of your lines. You want each line in your stanza's syllables equal, or at leaast near identical. You're trying to rhyme. You want a beat to it.
3. Use a solid rhyming pattern instead.
Triple_Head Novice Sunday 22/02/2009, 10:08
Wow very good!
i like it!
Lord Urizen Veteran xtremerival guild Sunday 22/02/2009, 20:47
Thanks everbody that helped. I will changed it.