52/85

aLTRe-eGo - Thursday 26/11/2020, 20:07
Colossus - Harbingers of Ares

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.

“That’s true,” says God.

“So what happened?” she asks.

God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”

53/85

Lux Lux - Thursday 26/11/2020, 20:12
Colossus - Harbingers of Ares

Why was the anti-vaxxer‘s 4 year old child crying?

Midlife crisis

54/85

NayrSlayer - Thursday 26/11/2020, 20:29
Colossus - Masters of Battle

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. They set up their tent, have dinner and then go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes nudged Watson awake.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

55/85

Dee-WMD - Thursday 26/11/2020, 20:40
Eternal - Wise Men Distracted

How do you make Holy Water?
Boil the HELL out of it.

56/85

aLTRe-eGo - Thursday 26/11/2020, 20:54
Colossus - Harbingers of Ares

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.

“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

57/85

Sannihilator - Thursday 26/11/2020, 21:11
Colossus - Time Conquers All

What has 4 legs and 1 arm?



A Doberman in a playground.

58/85

Bastion_TCA - Thursday 26/11/2020, 21:22
Colossus - Time Conquers All

@Sannihilator
Got me good, I'm stealing that joke.

59/85

adunkingdonut - Thursday 26/11/2020, 21:27
Imperator - Time Conquers All

You’ve heard of Murphy’s law right? It says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s law?


It’s thinly sliced cabbage.

60/85

Sannihilator - Thursday 26/11/2020, 21:28
Colossus - Time Conquers All

Thanks

61/85

Bastion_TCA - Thursday 26/11/2020, 21:30
Colossus - Time Conquers All

@adunkingdonut
Buahahaha dam I can't believe that got me. XD