A dreaded scream echoed threw the Lane of St. Vickies. Tania had been out for a drink but then fell unconciuos, she woke up in a dark Alley way. Stood in front was a old woman with a basket of crunchy red apples, and a man made from stone. "Buy these apples for eternel youth," said the old lady. "100, 000, 000 clintz for 1," laughed the man. "Let me check my purse!" shouted Tania take steps backwards whilst the Old woman took steps forward. Meanwhile just behind Azel was a crying girl....................................(to be continued) RATE OUT OF 10
I hope you don't take offense, but this story needs a lot of work. I felt really confused with what was going on at times and I agree that it definately needs spacing (I know that can be tricky with the limited space). And the V-man comment just seemed rather out of character for Lelena to say (especally in the offical comics, she never really talked like that or was all that casual with humans). Also not to nitpick, Gil is a boy not a girl. To be fair, I did kinda like the cr lane and Melluzine's attempted friendship with Nellie. Don't let this stop you from writing, but I just wanted to give some constructive critisim.